Of all human emotions, embarrassment is the one that amuses me most. The lengths to which we go to avoid shame, and salvage our pride are the most wonderful illustrations of human character. Whenever the picture we try to project is exposed as just a picture, or when we feel a critical stare on our insecurities...everything just falls apart.
Most interesting to me is the game of saving face. Trying to avoid that embarrassment we know all too well is there waiting for us. Sensing that we are about to look foolish once again, instinct takes over. It’s the game where we take the most trivial of obstacles and turn it into an ordeal. For me it has always been the embarrassment of saying no, and then trying to save face because I said yes.
The lengths to which I have complicated my own life because I was embarrassed to say no are, quite frankly, pathetic. I remember clearly my history teacher once asking me if it was ok if he kept the plastic wallet I handed my coursework in, just to hold the sheets together. “Yeah sure”, I said, “I got plenty of ‘em at home!”. I didn’t. I just couldn’t bear to say no, and ask for my plastic sleeve back. For weeks my schoolwork was handed in crumpled and tattered, until one day I decided I would replace my plastic wallet with something that no teacher would ever ask to keep. Something that clearly looked as though it wasn’t a throw away object. Something that said..”no, you can’t have me, I’m important!”. I bought an artist’s tube, and from that day on all of my coursework was handed in rolled up and frayed. I don’t know why I said yes...I just did...I always say yes!
I wasn’t alone though, I’m still not alone. People, despite handing in their work on sheets of fancy flat paper, have always been weak when it comes to the saving face game. It’s human nature after all. Instinct knows explicitly that which we try so hard not to believe. That the only truth others know about us, is what they see. People are judged on action, not intention. The “face” is all the substance we have in the eyes of others. Lose that, and it’s a long road home. Nobody wants to be the scared one, or the guy who wasn’t up to it. Those labels may last a lifetime, right?
That is not to say that I think the game shows a human weakness. It’s honest. It comes from the heart. It’s one of those times we just stop thinking, and let our feelings drive. Following through on all of my involuntary yes’s has got me a lot in life. It got me my first kiss (and first girlfriend), a postgraduate degree, my first car, my job, half of my wardrobe at least, a lot of drunken nights, a few scars and a whole lot of embarrassment that me and my instinct actually didn’t see coming!
I think there is a lot to say for the saving face game, especially because sometimes it actually works. Even when it doesn’t, so what if we embarrass ourselves sometimes; our lives are short and we’re not perfect. That’s what makes us beautiful.
